haiku hell

this is what happens when a wonderful eastern poetry style falls into the hands of a western jackass who's bored at work (guest haikus are both bold and italicized):

today is wednesday
thinking about going out?
or just chillin in?

i hate you so much
but i love the peach; you should
call up some peoples

you act like you dont
know anyone in this town
but you do! call them!

method man is sick
judgement day makes me want re-
tards to die with plagues

i just had chef changs
i feel it working my gut
bathroom time is soon

on saturday night
roy jones fights antonio
know anyone watching?

it should be sick, son
i would say we could buy it
but i'm cheap as hell

my haikus can't stop
like Diddy, they cant stop and
they wont stop, eh eh

haikus are awesome
don't knock them till you've tried them
yoga... so overrated.

long delay between
your sending this response and
my receiving it now.

soo many haikus
have been sent by me today
its ridiculous.

so sketchy this sounds;
crazy cross country drivin'.
foxwoods, here we come!

here's a little touch
of the crap i've been sending
all day to my friends

they'll ask me questions
and i'll respond just like this
its driving them nuts

i would say something
about the bulldogs or athens
but i'm not that smart

my future unfolds
sugar cruches between teeth
a fortune cookie.

i look down the hall
see the target of my wrath
the end will come soon.

sending out emails
of the lame ass jacket song is
not a smart move.

i have no response.
you're the first one to hit me
back with hot haikus.

don't worry, tech pride
is something i'm lacking now
go bulldogs, arf arf!

i'll let you get back
to whatever fun work you
have to get back to.

haikkus are insane
they make me cringe and go nuts
stop sending them...now!

you can't possibly
expect me to stop when you
haiku back to me

i think tomorrow
i'm going to post todays
haikus. there are lots.

i haven't sent a
non-haiku email at all
since this morning, fool

(non-haiku set up: "speaking about poker...remember when I rivered a s8 against your measly top pair... AHHAHAHAHA(I am a calling station)")

the bad beats happen
to good players more often
so i don't worry

keep chasing your straights
when calling pot sized bets, son.
i'll bust you, hardcore.

gza's a damn beast
he and meth are def my faves
from the wu tang clan

meth is funnier
but gza brings that raw ish
sends chills down your spine

popped my collar
now I want to punch myself
I have much damage

someone released gas
for this time it was not me
will I be blamed?

my stomach: dying.
i'm laughing way too hard now
that was hilarious

i need to poop bad
and yet, the stall's been taken
every time. tragic.

i should really stop.
these damn haikus keep coming.
they've taken over.

its really a shame
that there's such a long delay
i'm sure you're anxious

my replies are late
when you're trying to tell stuff
to the haiku man

yeah, i think i'm done
this has been fun, but its old.
haikus: adios.

andre 3000 understands me...

God, Come in? God? God, come in, God?
Damn, you're a girl!

Well, I guess the reason I'm talking to you tonight is cuz I've been doing a lot of thinking. I mean, I consider myself a pretty cool guy, and I've never cheated on any of my girlfriends... well except that one lil' time in Japan, but that was just some head, and head don't count, right? Aww, thanks God, I knew you would understand.

Well, I just feel like I want to be honest with you, God. I just need a sweet bitch; you know, sombody not too fast, but not to slow, 'cause I dont have it all my damn self... and life ain't easy, you know? You want somebody by your side to help you smooth that thang out, you know what I'm saying? And I'm not being picky; she dosen't even have to have a big ol' ass. Just something well proportioned to her body... you know, a nice lil' tail.

What? You say you you've found somebody? Is she cute? So when do I get to meet her? Aww, God, you're the greatest! Well, I guess i'll talk to you later... amen. Oh, I'm sorry... alady.

-Andre Benjamin, The Love Below

yep... pretty much.

love/hate

AP - Vinny Testaverde, who spent some of his best NFL seasons with the New York Jets, is set to rejoin the team to replace Chad Pennington, lost for the season with a shoulder injury.

"Only a fool breaks his own heart..."
-Julio Iglesias

I've been a Jets fan for as long as I can remember. Our fam got the season tickets when I was 2, and I started going to the games regularly when I was about 8. In case you're not really a football fan, I'll give you a little inside info. The Jets haven't been to the Superbowl since 1969. For the 80s and most of the 90s, they were one of the worst (if not the worst) franchises in the league. As it turns out, though, attending games on those 8 sundays a year was great. The games were horrendous, but our pre-game (and occasional post-game) tailgates were amazing. It wasn't even a matter of liking the Jets; in fact, I probably would've said that I hated them, but I loved the Jets game experience. If I was ever bored during the week, or sad about something, I knew that on Sunday morning, we'd be heading out to the Meadowlands at 10:00 for an awesome tailgating party. We had seven tickets, and as bad as the Jets played, we'd almost always have seven people ready cheer them on. The tailgates were so much fun (and had such good food) that we'd sometimes get other family members or friends to come out to the games just for the pre-game party; once it was time to go into the stadium, the extra tailgaters would head home. Fun times.

1997, however, was where rooting for the Jets went from being a fun fall activity to a serious emotional commitment. After being the laughing stock of pro-sports teams in the NY/NJ area for my entire lifetime, the Jets acquired Bill Parcells, arguably the best head coach in the history of the NFL. He won two Super Bowls with the Giants, and just a few years later led the Patriots to big game. It was time to actually care about how the team played. Their first season under Parcells, they were 9-7 (a winning season? what is that?). The next season, they went 12-4 and made it to within one game of the Super Bowl. Most fans would consider those two seasons "mediocre" or "pretty good" at best, but for a Jets fan, those are the kinds of season that one could only dream about. The success of those couple seasons taught Jets fans (or at least, this Jets fan) to love. We didn't have to see the tailgate parties as the sole reason for being a ticketholder; we could look forward to going to the actual games, too. We could get emotionally invested in the team, because we knew that they weren't the terrible pushovers that we'd grown up with. They were willing to play good football, and we were willing to believe in them. I could honestly say it for the first time: I loved the Jets.

And then, like most relationships, we hit a rough patch. In 1999, our starting quarterback was hurt in the first game of the season. It hurt a little bit, but we knew that he'd be back for next season. In 2000, Parcells stepped down as our head coach, but stayed with the team in an administrative role. While not optimal, we ended the season with a winning record, and it was easy to keep the faith; we were still on solid footing. In 2001, we brought in new head coach, and while we made the playoffs, we lost in a somewhat embarassing first round game. In 2002, we just squeaked into the playoffs and didn't do particularly well, but we were introduced to a Mr. Chad Pennington, and received a glimpse of a potentially glorious future. In 2003, the heartache became a little more intense, when the boys in Green fell back to their first losing season since 1996, due to a combination of injuries and and an inconsistent offense. In 2004, we had our most succesful season since '98, and even though our team had talent, that same thread of inconsistency from the 80s came back, and they weren't able to take advantage of making the playoffs. Throughout all of these years, although the team wasn't nearly as bad has it's known to have been, there were little signs here and there that all wasn't well in Jetsdom. They would play well enough to get our hopes up, and then lose in such a terrible way that we would hate ourselves for caring so much about 22 guys who run around for 3 hours a week. The fact that they were almost good, and yet not even close to being great, was painful. I wanted to love them. I'd been waiting all of my life to find a love like this. And yet, I couldn't help but hate them for the pain they'd caused.

And now, the sky is falling. Chad's not injured, but he missed training camp so he's a little rusty. Well, Chad's arm is a little sore, but it's nothing serious. Oh, Chad's arm is sore, we're going to take him out of the game, but we'll put him back in at the end of the game. Um, yeah... Chad is going to have season-ending surgery, and the two quarterbacks at our disposal now are a kid who hasn't taken more than 20 snaps in a live game, and a 42-yr-old dude getting ready to apply for Social Security. Terrible. I hate them. There is no reason to have any confidence in this team. All the experts say they're terrible. They're in the same division in as the reigning champion New England Patriots. And the emotional leader of the offense is out for the season. There is no logical reason to divert any physical or emotional effort towards this sorry collection of bums.

...and if you're looking for me this Sunday, I'll be the one at the Sports Depot, dressed up in all green, rooting for those no-talent ass-clowns to take it to the Ravens.

...I guess that's love.

m.a.y.

(SCENE: Two young professionals, after a long day's work, are relaxing in their living room. After the hustle and bustle of a long day, they are sitting at their respective lap-tops, playing online poker and checking e-mail, watching "SportsCenter" on TV, and enjoying a nice end-of-the-day beverage...)

Sam: How're you doing, man?

Tommy: Pretty good, I'm up about 70 bucks.

Sam: That's pretty weak, dude. Usually, you'd be up at least 200 by now.

Tommy (laughing): Hahahaha, you're probably right... I guess it's a slow star- Holy Crap!! (jumping off of the couch) THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT!!!!!!

Sam (initially startled by the sudden scream, but puts the pieces together) : You just take down a nice pot?

Tommy: Hell yeah I did! I thought I lost it, or at best tied... But I just took down a 731 dollar pot!!! This calls for some music!!

(Tommy opens iTunes on his laptop and searches his library of thousands to find the perfect song...)

Tommy: Awww yeah!! Here it is!!!

(Anita Baker, female r&b / soul singer, singing "Final Frontier")

Sam (almost disgustedly): What is this cra- (and then, in a moment of realization) Is this... Is this the theme song to ... Mad About You?!?!?

Tommy (showing faux embarassment): Umm... no!!

(The two of them pause in the moment, slightly embarassed that they know the show well enough to recognize its theme, and slightly disturbed that their roommate also watched the show)

Sam and Tommy (simultaneously): AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA
HAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Tommy: You're such a loser!! You watched Mad About You!!!!!!

Samuel: You're worse!! You watched it and you have its theme song on your computer!!!!

Tommy (after a pause): It was a good show though!! I mean, it wasn't "cool", but it was genuinely funny! Not like all those other crap shows that people liked in the 90s... And back then, Helen Hunt was actually enjoyable to watch!

Samuel: Yeah, Paul Reiser and Helen Hunt really made a good comic duo... (and then, realizing what he's just said) No one shall ever know of this conversation.

Tommy: Absolutely not.

this is stupid

this is stupid... and yet it makes me laugh everytime i see it.






I also realize that I appreciate Office Space more and more everyday.

back in the day

It took me a while, but I think I can finally write about love. My first true love. I remember the day vividly... wait a minute, no I don't. It was a little while ago. But I remember enough to tell the story. It was early in the school year, and I saw her sitting there with some of her newly made friends (she was definitely young and new to the school, so these couldn't have been people she'd know for any length of time), and I knew that she was more than anything I'd ever seen in a girl- nay, a woman. She had a sense of maturity that I'd never seen in anyone my age before, but at the same time, a youthul cheeriness and innocence that was so free that made you think that she didn't have a care in the world. I looked at my watch and realized I had to go, but I hoped and prayed that I'd run into her again.

Fate, it seems, is not without a sense of irony. I saw her less than 5 hours later, in my third class of the day. I walked into the class, and it was almost as if she was waiting there for me; she looked at me as I walked in... she did that stupid hair flick thing that girls do that drives guys wild... and then she flashed me the warmest smile I'd ever seen. I've always been a relatively shy person, but that smile gave me the courage I needed to walk over to approach her. I was a nervous wreck on the inside, but I beamed nothing but pure confidence on the outside. As I approached her, I had no idea what I was going to say, but being the warm soul that she was, she took that responsibility on herself.

"Hi... what's your name?"
"Umm... J-J-Jay..."
"Well, hello Jay. I'm Ms. Krause, and your seat is right here, in the second row..."

And thus, my 8th grade english teacher crush set the standard for every woman I've met since.

missing the same imaginary place

Large: You know that point in your life when you realize that the house that you grew up in isn't really your home anymore? All of a sudden, even though you have some place where you can put your stuff, that idea of home is gone.

Sam: I still feel at home in my house.

Large: You'll see when you move out; it just sort of happens one day, and it's just gone. And you can never get it back. It's like you get homesick for a place that doesn't exist. I mean, it's like this rite of passage, you know. You won't have this feeling again until you create a new idea of home for yourself, you know, for your kids, for the family you start; it's like a cycle or something. I miss the idea of it. Maybe that's all family really is. A group of people who miss the same imaginary place.
-Garden State

This dialogue probably hit me harder than any other scene in the movie. For some time now, I've had exactly that feeling inside; the desire to have that sense of family, with the parents coming home from work and me and my siblings coming home from school, and yapping about this patient or that baseball game or this dance recital... At the time, you don't realize it; these are just the little, trivial, non-descript events that made up the day. But then you look back on those moments, and you realize that that was what felt good about being a kid.

I guess I don't have much more to say... I just thought of that scene and wanted to share it. I can't write more without getting sappy (this movie hits close to home on way too many levels), but if you haven't seen Garden State, you should definitely check it out. (Zach Braff's from my hometown, and it was cool seeing all the South Orange landmarks from my childhood)

bored at work -> blast from the past

Well she sneaks around the world from Kiev to Carolina,
She's a sticky-fingered filcher from Berlin down to Belize,
She'll take you for a ride on a slow boat to China, Tell me:
Where in the world is Carmen Sandiego?

Steal their Seoul in South Korea, make Antarctica cry Uncle,
From the Red Sea to Greenland they'll be singing the blues,
Well they never Arkansas her steal the Mekong from the jungle, Tell me:
Where in the world is Carmen Sandiego?

She'll go from Nashville to Norway,
Bonaire to Zimbabwe,
Chicago to Czechoslovakia
and back!

Well she'll ransack Pakistan and run a scam in Scandinavia,
Then she'll stick 'em up Down Under and go pick-pocket Perth,
She put the Miss in misdemeanor when she stole the beans from Lima, Tell me:
Where in the world is Carmen Sandiego?

Oh tell me where in the world is...
Oh tell me where can she be?

Ooh, Botswana to Thailand,
Milan via Amsterdam,
Mali to Bali, Ohio, Oahu...!

Well she glides around the globe and she'll flimflam every nation,
She's a double-dealing diva with a taste for thievery,
Her itinerary's loaded up with moving violations, Tell me:
Where in the world is Carmen Sandiego?

a glimmer of hope

maybe there are some good people in the world...

Clara Anisha Brown, 4, grasped onto a volunteer, Chad Meaux, as they navigated the flooded streets of New Orleans after she and her family were rescued from St. Bernard, La. (courtesy of nytimes.com)